Note from the writer:

At the time of writing this, my son is about 19 months old. For the entirety of his life, I have voiced him in a terrible Russian accent. At the time of his birth, I had been listening to a Dungeons & Dragons “actual play” podcast by several CollegeHumor/Dropout alumni called Not Another D&D Podcast. At that point in the podcast, the hosts’ characters were in a frozen northern Dwarven city, and the DM used a Russian accent for the northern dwarves. I’m pretty sure that’s where this stemmed from.

I have created a deep lore for Jamie’s version of Russia. It is entirely incorrect and unfactual and probably highly offensive to any actual Russians (eg. there is a strong focus on the noble potato), but my near-constant prattling stream-of-consciousness narration of his day as a Russian baby/mining foreman/high-powered businessman has proven to be a limitless source of entertainment for myself and my fiancée Michele.

One particular bit of lore is the #1 favourite snack food of Russian babies everywhere (as voted by the Baby Internet 12 years in a row, but not including 2018 because we don’t talk about The Incident): Rare Eggs. “Kids crave the great taste of Rare Eggs, now in convenient travel-size packaging.” Rare Eggs are eggs that are cooked rare, if it was at all unclear.

For Michele’s birthday in 2024 I bought her some Birkenstocks while Jamie, a 19-month-old, scoured the Baby Internet for a favoured memory of his Russian childhood (bear with me) to share with his mother. His search was unfortunately a dead end, so I was asked to search the Adult Internet, which I’ll note is not to be confused with the “adult” “internet” wink wink nudge nudge don’t look at my browser history.

I was actually able to find the jingle, via Danni W. on Fiverr. She did a wonderful reimagining of this classic Russian jingle from Jamie’s youth. The text below was dictated by by son for his mom for her birthday.

I have father make internet paj for baby, am no so good with compute sometime. Father is help make but baby do all type.

I try share baby hertige with mother, mother is good lady. I say “Mother, you know?” Mother is say “No, am sorr, mother is no is know.” Baby is look on baby internet for long time, but no is find. Baby ask father try look on adul internet, he say he is find ver fast.

Make phone is loud and click tringle please. Thank.

Is no good say in the Engil, baby is say in Russ.
очень люблю маму

-Love Jaymo