Baby Lore: Good Gift For Mother

Note from the writer:

At the time of writing this, my son is about 19 months old. For the entirety of his life, I have voiced him in a terrible Russian accent. At the time of his birth, I had been listening to a Dungeons & Dragons “actual play” podcast by several CollegeHumor/Dropout alumni called Not Another D&D Podcast. At that point in the podcast, the hosts’ characters were in a frozen northern Dwarven city, and the DM used a Russian accent for the northern dwarves. I’m pretty sure that’s where this stemmed from.

I have created a deep lore for Jamie’s version of Russia. It is entirely incorrect and unfactual and probably highly offensive to any actual Russians (eg. there is a strong focus on the noble potato), but my near-constant prattling stream-of-consciousness narration of his day as a Russian baby/mining foreman/high-powered businessman has proven to be a limitless source of entertainment for myself and my fiancée Michele.

One particular bit of lore is the #1 favourite snack food of Russian babies everywhere (as voted by the Baby Internet 12 years in a row, but not including 2018 because we don’t talk about The Incident): Rare Eggs. “Kids crave the great taste of Rare Eggs, now in convenient travel-size packaging.” Rare Eggs are eggs that are cooked rare, if it was at all unclear.

For Michele’s birthday in 2024 I bought her some Birkenstocks while Jamie, a 19-month-old, scoured the Baby Internet for a favoured memory of his Russian childhood (bear with me) to share with his mother. His search was unfortunately a dead end, so I was asked to search the Adult Internet, which I’ll note is not to be confused with the “adult” “internet” wink wink nudge nudge don’t look at my browser history.

I was actually able to find the jingle, via Danni W. on Fiverr. She did a wonderful reimagining of this classic Russian jingle from Jamie’s youth. The text below was dictated by by son for his mom for her birthday.