This is an ongoing discussion between my partner and I. Assuming there’s an afterlife of some sort (which I don’t personally believe, but for the sake of this thought experiment let’s just pretend there is), there’s the cliché of the events of one’s life being reviewed and judged. If that’s the case, and everything has been logged, there must be stats, right?

Video games often have a screen where various gameplay stats live. Distance travelled, favourite weapon, secrets found, etc. What are the stats relating to my life that I’d most like to see? Here is a list, that I’ll update whenever I think of anything.

• Total volume, measured in in Olympic swimming pools, worth of Kellogg’s Mini Wheats (all flavours combined) that I have consumed.
  • This one is less fun, now that I’m diagnosed with Celiac 🙁
• How many times I could have, but failed to, get laid.
• How many times I nearly died.
• How many times my actions indirectly (as in butterfly-effected) caused injury or death to someone else.
  • It’s gotta be at least one, right?
• How many times my sweatpants’ pocket got stuck on the cutlery drawer handle in my house.
• How much money have I objectively wasted.
• Total blueberries eaten.
• Total number of times I have told the same story to the same people.